About anger management: Does it help to get things off your chest or it is better to remain silent to keep the peace?
Hello everybody. In order to start a short essay about Anger Management, I am willing to gather as much information as possible about this topic.
The first problematic who came to my mind was to know how we can determine if we have too much anger and what is the best way and attitude to manage our anger.
Thanks in advance for your responses !
Anger is a signal that something is wrong. If we control ourselves and speak out assertively instead of being aggressive, that is healthy.
Anger becomes problematic when it is too frequent, lasts too long, is too intense or is destructive or self destructive.
Anger Management guidance with a professional can help almost anyone who wants to learn and is willing to practice.
Conflict Management Services Specialist
WOW this is a loaded question...and so very vague. But, I'm going to give it a shot because I get being inside one's head and attempt to be about as vague as the question but try to put the question in perspective.
Anger is an emotion no different than Love. It takes the exact same kind of energy to be angry as it does to love. Emotions in all forms affect a person's responses. Emotions affect moods. Selective hearing happens, and the deliverer of the message, can be the one the anger is taken out on. Conversely, love works the same way. Thus the old adage, "...love is blind...".
I think it's important to remember that Anger is an emotion. And ironically, all decisions a person makes under the influence of Anger or Love, can be a bad decision because the emotion blocks rational thinking.
The excuse of keeping the peace is a cop out in my book. I believe that everyone has the right to feel anger and feel love. I believe anger can get out of control, no different than love can. I would like to believe that all people use discernment when choosing their battles, but in the heat of the moment, that is not always possible. And those snap decisions can be good or bad. I guess it's always good to remember in the heat of the moment, "...is what I am about ready to say, for the higher good for all people involved?" If the answer is no then you probably need to go work out at the gym, run, or swim, do something different by removing yourself. Does that mean you are keeping the peace? Not really. It means you used discernment and chose a battle, maybe one that lied within your own soul. Maybe you had been there before...maybe you already knew the outcome.
Frankly it really doesn't matter if it is personal or in the work place. I'm a fond believer that we are who we are and even in the best of circumstances, we need to use diplomacy and discernment in all areas of our lives. Sometimes it is ok to show anger in the work place. Sometimes, it's better to wait it out and see what happens and how others handle a matter. No different than it is to announce you are marrying the CEO of the company because you fell in love with that CEO.
That is about as vague as it gets for me. I realize this answer is fairly old when you first posted. I'm a bit behind on my responses. I would like to know the outcome of the information you collected and how you used it.
I suggest first sitting with your anger in contemplation. If the anger is out of proportion with the current situation, is it actually related to an earlier incident? Taking time to allow ourselves to fully experience an emotion gives us the opportunity to gain insight.
Once we have taken that time, we can then decide from a more centered perspective whether it needs to be addressed with the other party. That way, we are responsive to the situation rather than reactive.
Rather than "manage" anger, which is applying a suppressive control mechanism to it, why not travel all the way through it and see where it takes you? If we sit with anger long enough, it will exhaust itself and lead to new realizations.
Hi Adile - great question and many good answers here. Though none yet address the root source - the one that manifests into what you write as 'anger'.
With your permission, I'll offer a unique strategy, based on 36+ years of my Quantum Change and Time Line client experience. I certify doctors in this too and guarantee my results in writing, as it works 100%, consistently:
In truth, NO negative emotion or limiting belief can ever exist, until we Consciously DECIDE that they exist. That means, in this case, the 'anger' only exists in our Conscious 'story' (in our inner, UNconscious core truth, it never did or will or can exist!) That's right.
And that very first decision point (the only one that matters) was early in life, in the womb, or previous (yes, you read that correctly!)
In that first instance (Science calls it a Significant Emotional Event = S.E.E.), we Consciously told our UNconscious to store that unproductive 'version' into memory. And it became, for us, the root of a growing string of related, unproductive memories for the rest of our life! Including the unproductive decision that we must 'choose' between getting it off our chest or keeping the peace. Neither is an acceptable option as both are like boxing shadows, in the dark.
Only one resolution exists: Wipe it out permanently - at source (that's what I empower my VIP clients to do, in just minutes). Poof! And the entire string of memories, since then, also releases stored negative energy. Ahhhhhh.
So to live life with purpose and meaning is truly as easy as wiping out past unwarranted negative emotions and self-limiting beliefs. And the best news - you do not need to re-live even one instant of your life (you already did that, why do it again?)
How soon will you decide to call me now to direct you to someone to empower you where you are.
Best for your assignment, and oh, for that other project too, the most significant one you will ever work on in your life ... you!
To your health, wealth and happiness Adile.
In my honest (and somewhat biased) opinion, there's no such thing as 'too much anger'. Its just a feeling, that needs to be directed in a positive manner.
Anger is a natural response to frustration, which makes us physically alert, responsive, and 'ready to go'. the problem is not 'how much of it to have', the problem is 'how to channel it constructively'.
Short answer is 'depends on context'. I have temper issues myself, but professionally it has been a positive for me overall, as i have learned to channel it out by working twice as harder for my goal, every time i'm frustrated. An angry person never quits, so a bit of passive anger/aggression sustained inside can make you go on longer than a person who ends up having an anxiety attack every time someone scolds them at the office.
The best partner for anger is logic. think about the problem statement, figure out a method that can help alleviate it, putting anger aside (don't throw it away yet). Once you have a solution in place, recollect that drive and channel it towards implementing that solution. Anger is for the body, not the mind.
If you do it right, you will end up finishing up before time everyday on your work schedule.
however, when it comes to personal relationships, anger doesn't help much. Best way to handle that is a good workout everyday. My personal favorite - the 40 kg vertical punching bag.
In the long run, you'll always feel better if you express your concerns or disappointment and propose a solution that works for you. If the other person says no, then nothing lost.
Forgiveness cures anger. 100% every single time. I could have made this a lot longer like anger management courses do but it is such a waste of time learning to count to ten or go take a walk. Certainly picking and choosing your battles is a smart option. Of course, good anger management courses are not even called that anymore – they are called communication skills. Now that the anger is completely taken care of with forgiveness the second part of your question is – does talking about anger or processing it internally work better to be able to forgive? That depends on if you are taking more of a masculine or feminine approach. Men “tend” to do better by taking a time out and processing things internally while women “tend” to do better by talking out the problems in a responsible calm (as possible) manner. Venting only helps to a point then to finish it off it takes some good, low key talking.
Managing anger came about as a result of the push back that people have around forgiveness. There is a lot to be said on this but it is the only thing that cures anger. How do we know there is a cure for anger? Because everybody is not mad all the time. They did something. They forgave – get off it, let it go, forget about it – are all versions of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not trust, not setting boundaries, not communication skill, not welcoming them back with open arms. Forgiveness is only forgiveness.
How do we know if we have too much anger? I would imagine that would fall into a risk vs. cost approach. It can be a little different for different people but I see anger resorted to far too often than it is needed. Most of the justifications we have for anger really are not needed anymore in our society. There are far better ways of getting what we want than anger. I recently read an article in Psychology Today stating all the good things anger does for us. Most of them did not seem like a good idea. One was that anger is good because it gets you up and doing things. Isn’t that what enthusiasm and excitement are for? Ask yourself, “Do you want to get angry or just get results?” I am certainly NOT saying a person should never get angry. No way! Just the moment you do and you are coherent again, forgive, and then proceed to do what works to get what you want.
Being angry, give a speech or communicate, you would do a fantastic job for nothing but regrets. You have to learn to practice to avoid being angry at all the times, specifically in the business world and family too. How many times you want to take out from the chest? Anger is a constant human behavior and one must practice to control for health, family and friends and business etc. You must be the master of your mind and temper. Practice and practice and read some good books and develop spiritual feelings. Forget and forgive ends everything. Pradeep Berry
Adile, a great question,
I can tell you from my experience, I used to be a person who simply keep silent, and internalized every thing, This in the end lead to a state of clinical depression.
What I was told by professionals, is this is the most high risk group.
They are the typical type, that keep bottling their anger, pushing it down, and internally end up like a pressure cooker. At some point they will explode.
Typically they are the type, who may be at the check out, and for no reason, snap, or they snap at work, then go to their car, and return with a firearm.
Not in every case, but that is the typical type of person. (there is an old mover called "Falling Down" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106856/?ref_=nv_sr_1
It's well worth looking at.
I know in my case, I had to learn to not push anger down, but to verbalize it at the time, not as an auto response, but as some have already said, some 20 seconds later. To do this I had to learn a completely new vocabulary, and manner of presentation so that It sounded ok and not abusive or antagonistic.
For people who have anger issues, and last out automaticly, often, know when this response is building up. They tense up, sometimes their body language changes, sometimes they find themselves clenching their fists, before they act.
For this type of person, they need to recognize their subconscious reactions, and understand that they are trigger points, for them to change their position.
For the other party, they should be awair of the typical body language and other indicators, so that they also change their position before it escalates.
The problem is for the person who is keeping silent, there is no such body language or indicators, They are a ticking time bomb. waiting to explode.
So hopefully, this helps you in so much it is always better to get things off your chest, then being silent. It just a matter of how you do that.
The context, personality and relationship of the concerned parties makes a difference. If the person is an employee angry at his manager, then we have the angry person in a one-down position. However the relationship with the manager (which can range from none (new manager) to comfortable) or the manager's personality/ level of maturity [ a blamer/ a rationalizer/ easy going, etc] makes a difference. The same applies to the person who is angry- what is their normal reaction when they get angry- do they have the emotional intelligence to recognize what and when is appropriate or are they unable to regulate their emotions? Could they be usually passive, but if this incident is the straw that broke the camel's back, then they could flare up much to their own surprise as well.
I think being able to recognize a) what are my anger triggers? b) recognizing the body signs when its happening c) why am i getting angry? (eg could it be the other person is doing something i would never do to someone else? so is it my beliefs, values, thoughts that are being violated in someway rather than the apparent cause?) d) what can i do to calm myself down so i dont do something i would regret later? would help a person gain some perspective into how to handle that particular situation.
Don't know if that answers your question- but i hope it helps!
Hi Adile. The worst possible thing would be to keep everything bottled up because that would give an individual time to brood on the situation, and the more that they think about it the worse it's likely to become. As everyone is different and there are different histories to each situation, there is no one specific method that will help an individual to get everything of their chest, but if they are going to resolve their issues then they need to find a way. For me the attitude that works best is the realisation that getting angry achieves nothing, it's a complete waste of time and emotion, and I do appreciate that it can be a difficult concept to get to grips with.
My Father always told me to count to 20 before I responded, as to prevent me from replying in an angry or abusive manner. What I tell my kids, and I there is no intent to be religious. "Higher power grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to the difference" When I say this to myself either at work or at home the anger, while it may not disappear entirely, it certainly dissipates. Then I feel in control and can continue the rest of the day.
Controlling the anger is one of the most important attitudes of strong and high quality personalities whom they also have strong sense of justice.
Being able to stay calm and tolerate the situation is not easy of course but people can discipline themselves for self-control. You have to understand that anger is like an infection and influences whole body. Increases the heart rate, plays with the sugar levels, creates stomach problems etc. In a nut shell it is harmful for body. Keep due distance from those ill-tempered people, regardless of the extent of their anger and the reason behind it. Don’t react in a manner that will signal hatred. Doing so will probably just exacerbate the anger and exasperate the situation. Try to delay your reaction. Give yourself time to calm down while you’re inhaling and exhaling deeply. Not reacting at the moment won’t bruise your dignity nor tarnish your image. React later when you’re mentally ready to deal positively with the situation. If you don’t like the attitude of the person you’re dealing with, remember that reacting in a harsh manner (like him or her) will render you pretty much similar to him or her. In order to lessen the tension, watch your words. Do not forget that harsh words trigger retaliation. Reversing the whole situation into a pleasant tone will definitely be helpful to prevent unwanted situations. Remember, the relationships and attitudes you cultivate within your life will impact your productivity and increase your self-esteem.
Try to do everything to be able to stay calm and spread peace...
Hi Adile, your question remind me about short story in my company today.
I'm not an expert but I'll hope this little thing can help give you more description
This afternoon, a supervisor out of my room with a big smile on his face. My admin feel surprised, and finally asked, "why do you praise to him now? I saw you mad at him this morning?"
Then I said, there was a times when we need to give firmness as reminding but also gave the praise and rewards, when:
1. We have reminded for twice about the problem but it was ignored
2. We knew complete about the problem and we have a complete data about it, not only assume
3. Giving firmness about the bad effect caused by an ignored problem in company
Select the right sentence to express your disappointment that you have to remind him repeatedly
4. Not only warn, we must gave the solution for the problem. don't ever said to someone to solve something without understanding the problem and doesn’t know the solution. Also never said to someone to do something that your self also can’t do that
Said to him to clear the problem and give us the report
5. After he completed the job well (solving problems with outlets) , we should give credit for his work. Giving a little praise or reward can improve their performance and give more contribution for company
This is to balance the working atmosphere in the company. It’s why sometimes we hear about an anger management.. Anger can bring into a good impact when it’s managed in a right place, right time with right way. But, when we can't manage anger, it will bring us to the bad ones. One quotes said : you will not be punished for your anger but you will be punished by your anger
Always confront your/your employee's anger immediately. Then manage anger as you would any other Issue: unemotionally, supported by data, and with a resolution in mind. As an aside, anger is the only Issue in which the resolution should be a win-win except in extreme cases.
I feel as a leader, you cannot hold things in. However, lashing out at some one is not a good idea it set the tone for instability in your leadership ability. Think before you open your mouth think. But open it. You cannot let things go. They will build up and build to a point where you will not get any productivity from this person. This person will show no respect for you or their co-workers.
Everyone has boiling points Anger happens but understanding the the reaction you take can have two outcomes. A negative or positive. I was a trouble shooter for a large a restaurant chain. I was sent to a location that had a very toxic environment. It was the lowest performing store in the company. This was due to a manager that had little self esteem. He allow his kitchen help to over power his decisions to where they were very negative toward others and clearly had no respect for the general manager.
I was quite shocked that he allowed things to get so bad. Cooks would threaten servers,and threaten or cuss out the manager. He would just stand there and take the abuse. I couldn't believe he allowed things to get so bad. This situation spilled into the dining room effecting everyone. I saw a great group of workers with no one directing them. The manager couldn't cook so he let this effect his control over a kitchen staff instead of being the leader. I found the source of the problem in the on the kitchen line. Took the steps to take charge of the situation but this person wasn't having it. I stepped behind the line, got in his face and in a confident way but stern I made him understand with a loud tone, that he will respect the manager if not the title, he will do what I say or he would be out of a job. He went to say something but backed off and did what I wanted. He mumbled and groaned but did what I asked.
Anger could have been part of my reaction because I was mad, but my leadership skills pushed me to handle the situation calmly with a confident attitude. The next day the person thought he was my best friend. I got his respect. Through out my time at this store I took the from the bottom store to the number one store out of 2000 in the company. There were times that I got angry during the process, but I kept this incheck and hit the issues hard direct and in a strong manor.
With any anger, the problem is with in the person angry. I believe there is a two part answer.
1. If you are the one feeling angry and want to confront. I use the 24 hour period. It give time to cool down and collect your thoughts.
2. If you need to discuss it right away, know how you are feeling and only speak with the tone you want to be spoken in. Take a time out if heat starts to form. Control your breathing, and focus on what you want to accomplish.
It is important to know that all negative emotion can be controlled through thought and only when we truly know ourselves and pay attention to how we feel 100% of the time can one control the anger. Its powerful.
This is a sensitive issue, either you as the leader create a culture of complete honesty and a round table approach where truth can be spoken without anyone getting their feathers ruffled or feelings hurt or be careful what you speak especially when you are joining a new organization.
I have found people in workplaces to be generally dishonest in expressing the truth they are overwhelmed with pleasing the boss or colleagues with exhuberance which they feel is being complementary or politically correct but most of the time they never express their true feelings or opinion in an honest sense. And if anyone does in this environment he or she is considered an outcast for not being sensitive
I prefer to set Honest expression as a pre-requisite and a round table approach where every one can be hones and speak their mind .
For my style of leadership it gets everything in the clear and their are no ill feeling and complete honesty among my team members
interesting question. If I interpret correctly, your question is about what is the best way to react when we getting angry. Than my next question will how not to get angry so that we will not fall into getting angry scenario.
Please note: manage anger is a way to suppress it so that we don't blow it out - which i find very unhealthy. Not to angry means not anger, thus there isn't need to manage anger at all.
I had been examine the above questions for quite sometimes and found that by reframe the way we interpret situations or possess deep compassionate heart, we can react to react to situations without anger and this really help in decision making.
Hope you find my above sensible.
Denial of the anger which can be like a disease if not acknowledged.The word=st thing you can do is to remain silent. write your concerns on a paper which actually releases some of the energy.Sleep on the letter you have written.Never send an email to anyone in anger.
Anger management will give you techniques that allow you to identify the core issues, like mistrust envy jealousy gluttony that make it easy to drift in to a poor me.