I am literally hours from becoming a father. How has it changed you?
Hi everyone.
Some of you know me, some of you don't. Anyway, my wife and I are expecting a child, my first child. And the baby is a week overdue so she will be arriving any moment (hence the late night MosiacHUB session lately).
For the parents out there. How did the birth of your first child change you? I mean professionally? Or didn't it affect your work / decisions?
Anyway, kind of a stupid question I guess. I just wanted to ask as I already find the decisions I am taking in regards to projects, especially risky or longterm ones, are changing. I seem to be taking a moment longer than normal.
Have a great day everyone.
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Apr 27, 2014
I married my wife who had two children. At the time, I didn't want children. I was a good uncle but was fine without the thought. I realized once we got together that I could have missed the opportunity to teach someone what I have learned and watch them grow up to now be successful your adults. You will have some amazing times come into your life. Enjoy every minute of it. It goes fast and before you know it, They move on and ask the same question of you that you posted. Congratulations on fatherhood.
Apr 22, 2014
Congrats. For me, the birth of my daughter (and later my son) was the seminal event in my life. She was born in 2001, roughly 7 years after I graduated from grad school. I had those seven years working at a top-tier consultancy, traveling roughly 80% of the time. I was one year from making partner - 2001 was going to be the year I was "made". What's that mean? Well, at the time the average partner in the firm earned over $600k annually; if i could be a partner for 10 years I'd be 40 years old and basically set for life financially. Driven my money at the time, this was like heaven and I was at the gate. Literally, the minute my daughter was born, I decided to leave the firm. No amount of money was worth my daughter growing up with her dad there nearly every day, and the last thing I would do was sell myself out. Now, I'm not criticizing others that do spend most of their time on the road - they are probably much, much better than I am balancing my time. Regardless, I have never felt the same before 8/29/01 and now. Life has so much more meaning than getting on the best projects, being a top earner, or "schmoozing". I applied the "when I'm 90 on my deathbed" rule: what would I be more proud of, making an extra $5 million dollars in my life or raising kids that will change the world? The decision was easy, and right.
Apr 22, 2014
I am in the same boat as yours but the due date is not as near as your wife's but yes I see myself resisting to complicated projects or unknown opportunities but I feel we should not do that. Its all part of life and will keep happening. Marissa Mayer joined as CEO of yahoo when she was almost due !
Apr 21, 2014
You will have the opportunity to become someone beyond what you would've ever guessed or been - and help someone else in the process. Before I had children, I never would have thought I could have the incredible patience that I have. I also never would have understood the incredible healing for the parent that comes from receiving such unconditional love from a child. Mark Twain said: "It is no small thing when they who are so fresh from God...love me." And it's true. You will have the choice to choose to parent differently those things which you felt hurt your spirit...and the chance to parent in the ways that felt good for you. Congratulations - it's not a stupid question. Having a baby is life-altering...it changes everything. You can find yourself loving your partner even more because of how they are with this small soul... and loving yourself more because you had no idea you had what it takes in you. The world and its needs...the movies that are made... the reality you want to expose your child to... everything comes into sharper focus because you're now a father. It does affect my work choices - I work long hours a lot of the time, but I've also eschewed more traditional work that would've meant less time with my children. Congratulations and I wish you the best in this next chapter of your life...it'll be great.
Apr 21, 2014
You have all been extremely nice in answering my question. I had thought it may be inappropriate to ask here due to the theme of the site.
It is just that I have so many thoughts, ideas, worries, etc. that I wanted to ask if those who had pave been in my position had any words on the matter.
Again, thank you all so much. I have read and will remember all that you have written. I am not perfect, and I don't have all the answers in life. And I truly hope that I will still be able to steal away for a few moments over the next few months and find the time to continue participating in this community.
So far it has been very enjoyable. I hope it will last, already I can see a few things that make me think that this good vibe between everyone won't last, and soon we will be looking at $15 dollar logos, and $50 dollar websites in the Marketplace, and soon these forums will be barren of comments and ideas as has happened with many other communities with good intentions.
I hope I'm wrong. I truly hope this will be the exception and this fellowship if you will lasts.
So, from a new father, a fellow professional, and someone who is always happy to hear or help... I thank you. I thank you all.
Now, I have to get someone very special who is sleeping next to me. I can't stop myself. She has me completely.
Have a great day everyone.
Apr 20, 2014
I don't know if it changed the way I made decisions or planned these (The craziest things like Skydiving over the North Pole, run in the desert, I did were done as a father).
It changed me in the way that I am trying to extract the best of what I do to give positive examples to my children. Show them that life can be great and every second of it is worth living.
As I am working from home for some years now it also helped my to multitask much more but also taught me to stop thinking about work when with the kids.
Anyway. I wish you and your wife a fantastic new step in your life! This is the real adventure!
Apr 20, 2014
Congratulations and NOT a stupid question Paul.
I recall when I became a father many years ago. One of the big issues I felt was a greater sense of responsibility. Here I was now responsible for this helpless being that was totally dependent upon me and what I did. It increase my sense of responsibility out the roof to say the least.
I did have a determination that as the boy grew up I would grant him as much freedom and ability to develop a sense of responsibility as I could. That meant not restricting his movement with "Don't touch!" so much. Acknowledgin his presence and answerring his questions. Not ignoring him because 'he is a kid'. This, of course filtered into my work and started to grant others more responsibility to be themselves, do what they have to do and have what they want. It made me a better person too.
The boy turned out a responsible being who cares for others but does not accept any 'mumbo jumbo'. as my wife puts it, and is a very capable person.
Enjoy each time and year as he or she grows up. It is indeed a learning experience for both yourself, your wife and the new being in your lives.
Apr 21, 2014
Yes Michael. I agree 100%. It's the responsibility that at the moment that I am feeling. Just this morning I got onto my motorbike (I live in a capital city and although we have the family jeep, I prefer flying through the traffic on 2 wheels, lane splitting, etc (I know, I'm terrible, but here where I live it's actually allowed and the police willingly promote that behavior). So this morning I'm on my bike, flying through traffic, and suddenly I thought if something happened to me, apart from my life insurance covering the costs of my family quite easily, I wouldn't be there. For the first time in my life I actually waited in the traffic with the cars, rather than pushing ahead. It was like id froze and was suddenly scared to make a move.
Responsibility. Yeah, suddenly the word takes new meaning.
Apr 20, 2014
Hello Paul, by now you are a father. Congratulations! You are now forever changed. You are also very blessed. Everything else will fall into place. I am sure that you will deal with this exciting new part of your life's journey admirably.
Apr 21, 2014
I truly hope so. At the moment I am enjoying every waking moment I can with her. I can't believe she is mine. Everything else. My house, my company, all my expensive toys and suits mean nothing. I simply don't care anymore (and it's only been the first weekend). I love her. She is me.
Apr 19, 2014
First, congratulations to you and your wife!
Second, I remember the moment I realized that two young men were listening and watching everything I did working from my home office, so I had better set a good example - one that I'd be proud if they followed.
You learn to balance, you learn to compromise, you learn the true meaning of the word "priority" and that your clients won't leave you if you are unavailable for a few hours to go see your kids' class production of Tom Sawyer, and you learn to type on your laptop with frozen fingers while sitting in the bleachers at an early April Little League game, working in between plays so when your child asks, "Did you see what I did?" you can say "Yes!"
Apr 20, 2014
@Dana... that is such a cute answer! And you are right, I already see a life of finishing coding whilst running around like a maniac... should be fun though. :)
Apr 21, 2014
That's the pivot point for me I think. Already I'm worrying about deadlines, clients, etc. I suppose you're right. Me being a few hours late because of a family commitment is something that I shouldn't dwell on too much. Good point, I shall quote you on that.
Apr 19, 2014
Wow Paul, by the time I read this - 12 hours after you post it, I assume the time has come! Congratulations!
Personally, Paul, I have just had my first 4 months ago. I am not going to lie to you - it is DIFFICULT. It is a steep learning curve. But worth EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I cannot remember my life without my boy, and I cannot imagine my life without him again.
As a new parent, I have all these thoughts of things I want to teach my boy. Not only to be a good person, but to be successful in his career. To have respect for others, to make informed decisions, and be happy. So much to do, and so little knowledge on how to do it.
How did it affect my work? The answer is "enormously". I have also shifted my way of thinking to be more conservative - I outsource my smaller projects if need be, and make less risky decisions with regards to projects I take on. I have a home office, so I spend a lot more time there than at the real office, but I still work just as many hours. The good thing is I can get up whenever I want to, to give my boy a hug or play with him for 5 minutes, before handing him off to his nanny again. Work is now much more interrupted when I work from home, but with the proper help (the nanny) it is really manageable for me - and I look forward to getting up every day!
Apr 21, 2014
Kobus. You hit the nail on the head. It's exactly what I feel. I'm luckier than others that I don't have a 9-5 job. I choose when I want to go to my office (unless I'm back to back meeting clients). So spending time with my new daughter is paramount. I want "to be there". Every gurgle, every fall, every smile.
I guess time will tell if I can truly fit my professional life around my personal life without having my company suffer too much. Maybe I should promote one of my team to a more managerial role, but that's a whole other kettle of wish.
At the moment, I just can't stop hugging her and staring at her. :)
Apr 19, 2014
It is the best experience of your life. And a tough one also. Raising consciently your children you will rediscover all your childhood, all your personal stories, your family and their psychological heritage, your wounds and beliefs. They are a true mirror of what you really are and the best model of what you could be :)
Apr 21, 2014
Dragos. That is deep. Thank you. You are so right. I'm already worrying about what kind of example I will be. I don't care about becoming the father of the year, or my child having straight A results (although I did, so she should too haha). I just want to set an example so that she grows up to respect, love, and understand the people around her, and the impact she has with them. Thank you Dragos. Lovely answer.
Apr 19, 2014
It changed me for the positive. After my first child, I was very aware of being responsible for someone else. For me, this put a whole new perspective on my life. For that point on, every decision I made was through that perspective.
It has also been the best experience ever. I have loved every minute of it and can't imagine life without my two children.
Apr 19, 2014
Two sons now in their 30s. When they were small I never found time for golf. Only worked at home after the kids were in bed. Hit the gym before they got up. Learned to fall asleep in minutes to compensate for being the first up when they called at night. Did more listening than telling. Realized that it is not quality time it is time that matters.
Apr 21, 2014
... "Not quality time, but time that matters." Thanks Jack. I'll keep that in mind.
Apr 19, 2014
I am blessed with 12 children and the first came within a year of marriage. Children have been my whole adult life so it's a hard question for me to answer. Am soon to be empty nested so for me the question is how is that going to change my life.
Congratulations and I hope your answer leaves you time to be involved with your child's life to whatever level you wish it to be.
Apr 19, 2014
12 children? That is quite an impressive number.. I can't imagine what that could feel like, so many leaving home.
I work from home, and drop by my office a few times a week. I'm lucky I guess, I'll be with my daughter every moment she develops... I already set up a space in my home office for her next to mine. :)
Apr 19, 2014
For me it gave life so much more meaning. Being a father made me reflect on who I was and how my choices would be affecting the beautiful little people in my life. Being a father has been the hardest and most rewarding thing that I have ever done. My kids are the best thing about me...hands down.
Apr 19, 2014
Oh, and most importantly Paul, congratulations! Little boy or little girl?
Apr 19, 2014
Girl. I am freaking out. Everytime my wife puts a hand on her belly I'm jumping up shouting "is it time"? :D
Apr 24, 2014
That's awesome! I know exactly how you feel. Good luck with everything!
Apr 19, 2014
It definitely causes you to stop and think. The time that you have now will change, your priorities will change. Working late hours won't be as easy. With the priority change you won't want to.
But you'll find a balance between the two. Between setting a good work example and be there for them.
Whatever you think its gonna be it probably won't. But it will be one hell of a ride. Enjoy it because as cliche as it is, they grow up crazy fast. Mine are 12 and 15 now. Whole different game.
Enjoy the ride and congrats!
Skydiving OVER the North Pole... Now that is something. Skydiving yes. The Antarctic, yes. Both together? Man, the view must have been simply stunning.
I own a Ceesna 172. Nothing fancy, I just love the feeling of flying, but my fuel won't get me that far... Hahaha.
I think it's that fine line that I will have to make. Find not only the balance between work and family, but also to (not sure how to phrase this) not stop living my own life. There are things that I can share with her, with my family. I also feel that it is important that you as a person don't stop living, enjoying your own life. Hobbies or whatever. I think it's that balance that is going to be interesting over time to see how I can make enough hours in the day to do everything.
Thanks.